Migrating to Australia: Leaving friends and family behind

The decision to become an expat is a difficult one. Migrating overseas, especially if you are moving as far away as Australia, will require a lot of adjustment for both you, your family and those you leave behind. If you have lived in the same place for many years and have a strong network of family and friends in your local area, many of them will probably be surprised, even shocked, at your decision to move. To some people facing such a loss of closeness to you, this may feel like an act of betrayal or at least rejection. Why would you want to leave us when we’re all having such a good time here?

If you’re relocating for an amazing job opportunity or a loved one, people are likely to be more understanding than if you’re just looking for a change or a new adventure. People may be happy for you and excited for a new place to visit. But be prepared for all kinds of responses and try not to take them too personally. People, especially those who have lived in one place their entire lives and can’t imagine ever leaving, will not understand your decision, may take it personally and may not make the same effort to keep in touch with you as you are willing to make for them. In life, people and situations change, and you will have to live with the consequences of your decision.

As with everything else in your move, it’s going to depend with your own personal set of circumstances, lifestyle and the people you call friends. I’ve found that the best way to deal with comments and reactions from people, good or bad, is to be honest, unapologetic and positive about your decision. We cannot make guarantees in this life that we will be around forever and moving is just another one of those things that happens. Reactions from people whose opinion you care about may make you think twice about your decision to relocate. You should not be afraid of this happening. It’s actually good to be faced with challenges when making such an important decision. But you should always consider the source and the context. You’d feel pretty sad if no one cared that you were going away, but don’t let people’s feelings and objections stand in the way of what you want for your life.

Some of your friends and family members may take it very personally that you are leaving. You should reassure them that you aren’t leaving to get away from them or because you are necessarily unhappy with your relationships or support network, but because [insert your reason] and your decision is not a reflection on them. Try to emphasize the positive aspects of your move. Reassure them that you will still keep in touch (if you will) and that you’ll visit them (if you will). With really close friends and family, it can help to make specific plans for when you will see them again. This forms a concrete impression in their minds that they are not losing you forever and that they will see you again soon.

Another situation I faced when I moved to Australia was the loss of friendships. Many of these friendships were with people I was very close to and always thought would be in my life. I find it is almost easier to keep in touch with the people with whom you had weaker ties. They don’t and won’t expect as much of a time commitment from you and this makes it easier to keep up friendly banter over email. The friends I lost were ones I was really close to, which is really devastating. We never had any major fights or confrontations about anything, but they just stopped responding to my emails and requests to arrange a time for me to call them, and after awhile I gave up. With the friends and family that I do still keep up with, it is very clear that I am the one who has to make the most effort to visit them, call them and write to them. My family are better at keeping in touch, as you would expect, but there is no way they are getting on a plane to come and visit us, even for important events.

I’m certainly not saying that this is going to happen to you. But I also don’t want to give you a false sense of security that you can just leave your home country and expect everything in your life to be maintained remotely via electronic communications. With Skype, which wasn’t as popular when I left the US as it is now, there’s really no excuse not to speak with people. But for some, it may just not be enough. Memories and friendships can fade if not nurtured and some people are more needy than others. Disagreements tend to intensify when long distances are involved. You won’t always be able to come back for weddings or to visit new babies. They may not be able to afford to come and visit you or even want to come to Australia in the first place. The only reassuring fact that I can share with you is that, in my experience, your true friends will still be there. I am still close to many of my good friends.

The bright side of all of this is that you’re going off on a new adventure. You’ll need to make room in your life for new people. The other thing that I have experience with is living in the past. I did this in the first couple of years I was away. I stayed in touch with my old friends at the expense of meeting new people and forming new relationships. I’d say I had an 80/20 ratio, where I was focussing eighty percent of my efforts on my old friends and twenty percent of my attention on my new home. Now it is more like 30/70. I still spend a third of my time keeping up with my old friends. But the vast majority of my life is spent in the present, enjoying the new relationships that I’ve formed, which also includes meeting new people and pursuing new opportunities. I still have professional interests back in the States and friends and family there that I still care about. But early on I recognised that if you’re ever going to have a chance at being happy in your new life, you need to let go of the past. After all, you made a decision to move to a new country for a reason. And you should embrace it.

Here are some sites to help you stay in touch:
Facebook

Skype
Voice over internet service allowing you to talk for free by using a headset from one computer to another and cheaply from a computer to a telephone; you can also use Skype for instant messaging

Geni
This is a great site for families, even older relatives who are online. It is a social networking site somewhat similar to Facebook, however it creates a family tree and is easy to use. Build your genealogy records while keeping in touch with relatives. You can share photos, messages, timelines of family history and more.
Are you interested in moving to and working in Australia? Do you want to know all about the process of relocating from someone who’s successfully done it?

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